how can you stay outside, there's a beautiful mess inside...

I had my first shift at work last night. I liked it and think once I get a few days under my belt, I'll be pretty happy there and good at what I do, but at the same time it sort of felt like I was starting another job that wasn't quite "me". I'm not sure I know exactly what it is I mean by that. I liked the people I'll be working with and everything, but at the same time, I didn't really feel like I connected with them. I know its only been one shift, but its one of those things that you can kind of just sense. I will get along with them and I'm sure we will all share some fun experiences and learn to be friends, but there isn't that something more. When I told Beth this, she said that maybe when I someday find a place that I really want to stay in, I'll also find more people who I connect with, who are like me, who think about things the same way I do. Thinking about that afterwards, I felt a lot more comfortable with settling into this new job...for a little while at least...because there is so much more just around the corner and before I know it, I will need to know and use the things I learn here to move me through the next step. And I'm so glad I have surrounded myself with people in my life who remind me of that. On that note, I want to finish this post with two things. The first one is from and email Karen sent me this week in response to me venting about my uncertainties. (Karen, I hope you don't mind me splashing your words across this page)

"This job is an excellent opportunity for this time in your life. And there will be times when working in the dirt will be suitable for your life. I know it sounds hokey, but there is something to be said about accepting ‘where you’re at’ and making the most of it and having faith that that is where you are supposed to be. I think you made a great choice, Bri Vos"


Also, somewhat unrelated but serving as the soundtrack to my mind today: "Far Far" by Yael Naim:

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how an you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
beautiful mess inside

oh beautiful, beautiful

far far there's this little girl
she was praying for something big to happen to her
every night she ears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs
"oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it yourselves"

i guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

so shake it yourself now deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside