the dust has only just begun to fall...

Today I was sitting at my desk, in my newly cleaned room, listening in Imogen Heap and acting as though I was engrossed in my research of the social issues of reproductive technology, but my mind was on other things. I was at Amy's stagette this weekend and it was a great time. I got to hang out with Amy, who I haven't seen since I've been back, and more than that, with her wedding only 5 weeks away, I got caught up in all the excitment of dresses and rings and flowers. As I sat there, staring over the top of my book, I realized that I only have two pictures on my desk. One of Amy and myself and one of Cait and myself. And now, both of them are getting married within a couple of months of each other. I couldn't help but think about how exciting and scary and fantastic their lives are right now. And I surprised myself. Rather than looking at those pictures and worrying about how our relationship will change with their marriages or about my own romantic situation or whether or not they're too young (mostly because I feel much too young for such a step), I was incredibly, overwhelmingly happy for them. In some ways, it's crazy to think that only a few years ago, when those pictures were taken, none of us were even close to thinking about marriage. And now I have two bridesmaid dresses to be fitted for, I'm spending phone calls talking about who will be invited and who won't, what music should be played, looking at rings and planning pre-wedding parties. And to be honest, I'm loving it. I've never been one to enjoy weddings before, but this time around, its a different story.

**This is one of those post that is mostly writing to remind myself of things...so, sorry for those of you wedding haters out there reading this, but maybe one day...sooner than you might imagine, you'll get a call and suddenly all the people in the pictures on your desk will be getting married. And things will change.

thou art so truth, that thoughts of thee suffice, to make dreames truths; and fables histories...

I recently acquired the new Norah Jones album and love it. Today my favorite track is #13...

Not Too Late

Tell me how you've been
Tell me what you've seen
Tell me that you'd like to see me, too

'Cuz my heart is full of no blood
My cup is full of no love
Couldn't take another sip
Even if I wanted

But it's not too late
Not too late for love

My lungs are out of air
Yours are holding smoke
And it's been like that for so long

I've seen people try to change
And I know it isn't easy
But nothin' worth the time ever is

And it's not too late
It's not too late for love
For love
For love
For love

it's hard to argue when, you won't stop making sense...

So it's February 12 at 9:30pm and I have 3 hours worth of midterms tomorrow which I have yet to study for and instead I find myself on blogger or flickr or e-mail...really doing anything BUT studying. Not for lack of motivation or interest - I'm quite excited about most my classes this semester. But I guess its a different kind of "putting off". I know you should "never say never" but there's a very good chance that these will be the last midterms of my undergraduate experience. Which just adds to the constant, unspoken pressure of "what are you doing with your life"??? In 13 days, I turn 22. In 2 months I finish my undergrad (most likely, unless I try to come back for another round...again). In 3 months, I get kicked out of the house that has been my home for the past 2 years....and I find myself putting off studying for my midterms in the hopes that procrastinating here, tonight, in this moment will somehow slow down a life that seems to be flying past me out of control.

for once i want to be the car crash, not just the traffic jam...

Being a Grey's Anatomy night and all, I have been thinking about my favorite quote from last week. While talking to Addison about her and George getting married in Vegas Callie says "It was all my idea. I embrace the trashy". And sitting in my college house, I've been noticing things this week that fall into that category. Maybe not getting married in Vegas trashy, but trashy none the less. Trashy that was all my idea. Trashy that I embrace...

- The top half of a Grolsch beer bottle transplated into a pot and set out along the windowsill with the plants, to add greenery
- A clipping of Cosmo's "Guy Without His Shirt" tapped to the wall
- A cardboard sign proclaiming "#5 I want to have your babies" gracing the top of our livingroom furniture
- A Brahma beer box to hold the pens on our counter
- A word of the day board that has "I EMBRACE THE TRASHY"

Yes, I embrace the trashy and make no excuses...and in fact, at this moment I quite love it and I think I shall revel the trashy until my show begins!

If your body matches what your eyes can do...

I lost my shoe this morning running across the street. I ran, it stayed - firmly planted under the ice-covered snow. And as I stood there, ankle deep in snow in the median, one shoe, one sock, watching traffic whiz by on either side of me, I thought about a quote I had heard while watching Scrubs with Alana in Bangladesh... "It's all about hiding the crazy and ACTING like you're the most confident girl in the room!"
I try my best to do this...a lot...maybe 90% of the time. Maybe that's being modest, maybe its more.

Later, in Criminology today, Dr. Long talked about our standards and measures of what it is to be "normal" in society. He asked us to raise our hands if we considered ourselves normal. Not a single person in the class raised their hand. And I was torn between wanting to raise my hand to be part of the "normal"/average and that nagging feeling that I am indeed, crazy.

But really, when you come to think about it, life within society, within community, isn't about whether or not you're crazy or where on the craziness spectrum you land because it is all about how you funnel that craziness (some might say suppress or deny...I choose to "funnel") to make yourself appear more than normal, "above average" you might say.

And so, standing on the road, one sock soaking up all that snow and ice, I tried my very best to look above average, to hide the crazy and act like I was the most confident, one-shoed girl in the median.

and I'm dreaming again, like I've always been...

Dear John Donne,

Just when I thought I had loved you as much as I could love someone who died 300 years ago, you turn around and surprise me again with a beautiful, subtle comment that makes me miss you all over again. (which begs the question, is it possible to miss someone you've never met?)

From "The Dreame"

...thou art so truth, that thoughts of thee suffice,
to make dreames truths; and fables histories;...