I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky...

I've been listening to "Calendar Girl" by the Stars on repeat for the past 3 days. I remember hearing it first back last September when they played at Dinwoodie, but had forgotten about it. This weekend I stumbled upon it again and it swept me away. I know I tend to write a lot about music in this blog, but this song is something else.

I was in Safeway today and walked aimlessly into this aisle of "seasonal" products. I wouldn't say that I think about the Easter season a whole lot to be honest, but there I stood, soup in one hand raisin bread in the other, just staring at this seemingly never ending aisle of easter candy. chocolate eggs and bunnies and chickens and flowers. I don't know what it was about today - the store, the merchandise, the cold snow flying outside, but I just couldn't move. I stood there without thinking, without moving, without anything...just staring. And my head replayed over and over again..."calendar girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive...calendar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive..."

I don't know exactly what it is I'm trying to explain by all this. It doesn't make much sense I realize, but it just stuck with me today. I think it will last longer than just today...I mean, its not everyday you're paralyzed by an entire aisle of candy with a broken record in your mind.

inside out, upside down, twisting beside myself...

Its late. I can't sleep. Can't turn off my mind. There's a lot on it right now. I remember I used to have this problem as a kid. I just couldn't sleep sometimes because my mind was going a million miles an hour. My mom used to come into my room and "change the channel" on my mind. Change what I was thinking about by turning an imaginary dial on my temple.

I wish it were so simple these days. I try to read some Salinger (my new literary love) but I can't focus on it. I try to fall asleep to music but its either too loud to sleep over or too quiet to drown out my thoughts. I try to watch mindless late night television, but I get bored of it too quickly, zoning out to think about other things. Where will I be, who will I be, what will I be doing, 10 years from now...5...in the fall...tomorrow??

I feel contentedly comfortable here. I have learned this place, I know it, understand it, love it. And at the same time, it stifles me, holds me in, allows me to remain stagnant. Maybe its the past two months of winter that has gotten under my skin. Maybe its because I am at a point where I have to make some significant decisions about the direction of my life, but I was overwhelmed by this quote by Richard Hovey tonight: I said in my heart, ' I am sick of four walls and a ceiling. I have need of the sky. I have business with the grass.'

I don't think he was necessarily just obsessed with nature - though maybe he was, and I'm simply interposing my own meaning on this now - but I hear in his words this pull for something liberating. Something that makes you stop and think "I was made for this!" Something that leads you to the place where your soul, God and the world combine.

I am thinking of that place tonight. Where I find it. What leads me to it. How I can capture it, or if it's possible to do so, or if being able to would render it impotent of its power and beauty. Is there at least a way to make it more consistent? I don't know. I got a package in the mail today that had written across its cover, one of my favorite George Eliot quotes: It's never too late to be what you might have been

I am reminded of another nameless quote that is just as powerful, if not even more challenging...The quest is to become all that you already ARE

i never loved somebody fully, always one foot on the ground...

I read "Catcher in the Rye" this week. I had never read it before and thought I should since its a 'classic'. To be honest, for the first few chapters, it didn't really capture me. But suddenly, one night, flipping through a few pages before I fell asleep, I realized how incredible and astonishing it is. I've just finished it and I want to open it back up and go through it again because I feel like I've left so much inside of it. One quote that I just can't get out of my head tonight comes from chapter 16. Holden is talking about why he loves the museum of natural history and says...

"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move....
...Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that, exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class instead of Miss Aigletinger. Or you'd have heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean, you'd be different in some way - I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it."

Sorry for the long quotation, but I just have it swirling in my head. I wake up thinking about gasoline rainbows and how I can't return to work or school or class as the same person I had the day before. And mostly, I love the way in which Salinger throws both that passion and apathy together...pulls at my soul.

I'd jump all these mountains and take to the skies...

A few years back - must be about 6 years ago by now - I was watching TV and in one of the commercial breaks, this VW commercials came on. I only ever saw it once. And years later, I still remember it moment for moment. I think its stunning. One of the very best commercials I have ever seen in my entire life and I want to start a campaign to bring it back. While watching TV this weekend, I noticed how only about 1 in ever 20 commercials has any shred of brilliance or even entertainment value. And so to restore some of my faith in the television advertising community I decided to share with you this clip.
I can watch it over and over again carefully watching a different character each time, thinking about their expressions, thoughts, emotions. My favorite part today is when she first notices him as he runs up the stairs and then that last frame where she looks at him and takes that deep breath...keep an eye out for it.

Enjoy

under and old street light, so sincere, singin' silent night...

When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I used to know all the lyric to "Gangsta's Paradise". A bit disturbing...perhaps. Impressive...definitely. Today it popped up in random play on my iTunes while I was sitting in the sun reading The Catcher in the Rye on my front step. And I sang (or should I say rapped) along. Every word.
My roommates tell me I have an extraordinary memory, and though I've never really thought of possessing such a thing, I do sometimes surprise myself with what I can remember when other people forget. Restaurants, songs, snow days, assignments, campers, classmates, etc, etc.
I can't often remember what I was doing 10 minutes ago, but ask me if I went to the Christmas banquet dance five years ago and I can tell you what it looked like, tasted like, what music they played, the color of roses Andrea got from Ben, what my favorite song was at the dance and the kind of shoe I found in the hallway later that night. It's so strange how memory works sometimes.

when busy streets a mess with people would stop...

At the end of a long, heavy and relatively unpleasant day, I came across this on Jamie's blog:

"If you scratch any cynic you will uncover a disillusioned idealist."

It made me laugh, stop, ponder and feel lighter. Thank you Jamie.

time won't pass us by, won't tell me lies...

I went to an interesting little church tonight. My friends Jack and Lisa kind of started it a while back with some really cool people. It's called Millcreek Christian Fellowship. Their cool new website can be found at www.cometothetable.ca

When I got there, I got a "bulletin" of sorts and on the front of it was this...

It Would be Easier to Pray if I were Clear

O eternal One,
it would be easier for me to pray
if I were clear
and of a single mind and a pure heart;
if I could be done hiding from myself
and from you, even in my prayers.
But, I am who I am,
mixture of motives and excuses,
blurs of memories
quivers of hopes,
knot of fear,
tangle of confusion,
and restless with love,
for love.
I wander somewhere between
gratitude and grievance,
wonder and routine,
high resolve and undone dreams,
generous impulses and unpaid bills.
Come, find me, Lord.
Be with me exactly as I am.
Help me find me, Lord.
Help me accept what I am,
so I can begin to be yours.
Make of me something small enough to snuggle,
young enough to question,
simple enough to giggle,
old enough to forget,
foolish enough to act for peace;
skeptical enough to doubt
the sufficiency of anything but you,
and attentive enough to listen
as you call me out of the tomb of my timidity
into the chance glory of my possibilities
and the power of your presence.

- Ted Loder


Interesting...i think i will go back

I know more of the stars and sea, than i do of what's in your head...

I've taken to driving around in my car with the music unacceptably loud. And lately, all I listen to is Snow Patrol. I was thinking today though, of how I love the way you progress through an album. I bought Snow Patrol because I loved "Chasing Cars" and "Hands Open" and so when I first bought it, I listened to those two tracks non-stop. Then I kind of got a little sick of them and let the cd run its course. And suddenly, one I didn't expect caught my ear..."Shut Your Eyes". Its not a standout on the album, kind of subtly stellar, but I began to find myself always searching for song #4 for a few days. Then you have those songs you skip over. The ones that are too slow, too boring, nothing flashy or catchy about them you don't think. But one day, you forget to press that repeat button and you find yourself on song #8..."Set Fire to the Third Bar". And you realize that this is the heart of the album and you can't listen to it without feeling like your soul is being ripped apart. And then, when you thought you were all done with it, you turn a corner and hear #10..."Open your Eyes" and you're blown away. The strings and the claustorphobic intro and the build up to that moment that moment at the 3:54 minute mark where it explodes and releases everything inside of you! And just then, just when you thought it was complete, the cathartic moment exhausted, you run into #5..."It's Beginning to Get to Me", and you realize there is so much more mystery lying inside of it and you need to go over it all again to catch whatever it was you may have missed.

I love music.

the angel opens her eyes, the confusion sets in...

It's strange how the simplest of things can bring you back to a place. Today I was looking at a picture I took of Alana and I's flat in Dhaka, and out of the corner of the picture, a drawer caught my eye. It was the drawer that the utensils were kept in. And suddenly I could feel my hand against it. I could feel the scratched wood and the way it was heavy and how it stuck about an inch after opening it. How I would pull it open just enough to stick my fingers in to grab a fork. Pineapple and dark chocolate balancing in one hand, while I groped around to curl my fingers around the utensils. Then I could smell it, the fruit, the wood, the fresh clean floors, the wind coming in the balcony door and making the curtains float and whip around themselves. I could hear the music blaring from Alana's stereo, hear her footsteps come up the stairwell, the heavy sound of the bolt sliding out of place and the scuffing of birkenstocks against cement tiles. I could feel it all. I was there, I saw and smelled and heard all of these things...these were home to me. And I am overwhelmed. all because of the drawer.

so shave their legs and make them look like movie stars and then we can pretend its natural...

So tomorrow starts "Globe Aware"...probably the coolest school sponsored event at King's ever. Concerts and international potlucks and film festivals and dramas and more great food and bands and I love it. I am lucky enough to get to shoot this event for the Globe Aware team and I'm also presenting at it. I'm giving a public presentation on my Bangladesh experiences on Tuesday and my photography is going to be up in the Student's Association Center for the duration of the week. So if you're in the neighborhood and have a chance to stop by for any of the events, you should because its a great time! For more information, check out last year's website: http://www.kingsu.net/page.aspx?id=175127

and the canterbury tales will shoot up to the top of the best seller list...

Being a university student is such a contradition of ideals and actualities. At the moment, all at once, I am...

- reading Cosmo
- researching the effects of eugenic gene therapy
- watching Charlie's Angels II
- identifying the literary techniques used by Oscar Wilde in The Importance of Being Earnest
- scanning through my new lens manual
- and eating 3 day old left over chinese food

all this feels strange and untrue and I won't waste a minute without you...

Sunday was my 22nd birthday and tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary with my current love...my Nikon D70s camera. Though I'm quite sure its not planning to get me anything in honor of the occasion, I thought it was only fitting to buy it something new and shiny that we can both enjoy. So today I went into McBain Camera - which I try my best not to do because I never leave there empty handed - and this was no exception. I went in to look for a particular telephoto lens and ended up buying one from Nikon's new line up instead. Oh well, only the best for my baby!