wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere...

Things I've seen, experienced and appreciated on my 23 birthday...

Eating breakfast with an El Salvadorian family and happily surprising myself with my ability to understand exactly what they were talking about most of the time.

A kind taxi driver with a huge salt and pepper beard and a old corduroy cap advertising a backwoods grill in Oyster Bay.

A man taking his two young kids to the beach for the day on the train, sharing bits and bites snacks while telling them about all the different animals and birds that could be at the beach today.

An old native woman standing before a raging bonfire in the woods, grinning and waving at the train.

An elderly couple walking through airport security together holding hands. When the man went through the woman continued to walk beside him on the other side of the glass until he had found a spot to sit and wait for his flight. She put her hand against the window and said she loved him and to remember that the keys were in his pocket before he blew her a kiss and she walked back to the car.

A road sign that proudly announced "Welcome to Comox...Expect Deer on our Roads!"

Listening to Sufjan Stevens, Eddie Vedder and Broken Social Scene as I sped along tracks cut so narrowly through the coastal forest that evergreen branches reached out and ran along the glass.

Watching other people, people watch when they think no one else is looking.

....As I am not yet home, I'm sure I will have more but I may save them for my next post...

if you could be who you wanted all the time...

I have been thinking about this blog for a while.

Joel has started a new chemistry blog and from what I've seen, is really enjoyable and suits him pretty well. Bethany has been talking about switching blog accounts for some time now because she is unhappy with xanga.
One of Jamie's recent posts (theblogthatismylife.blog.com/2700377/) talks about how she has stuck with her blog for a year now and what that has meant for her. The thing is, when I think about this blog it seems as though I have outgrown it. I started it a few days before I left for Bangladesh and it chronicles my experiences since then. I wasn't planning to continue it once I returned to Canada, but the habit sort of stuck and I love writing my thoughts to this medium. However, "bri in bangladesh" no longer seems to define me.


Reading The Catcher in the Rye today, I came across the passage I've written out in my previous post here today and it started to move something inside my mind that I think will take hold. That being said I've begun a new blog.

*quick disclaimer to bethany: I didn't do this because we joked about it last night, or because everyone else is doing it, or to take the thunder out of the unveiling of your new blog because I am very excited to see it. I just kind of felt like it was time. I know, suspicious timing, but time none-the-less. I hope you are not offended.*

I'm not sure I'm ready for a complete transition, so I've stuck with blogger and you will be able to access both this blog and my new one from now on through my profile: (http://www.blogger.com/profile/00534532930732802181)
I may put new posts up on both sites for a while to ease into the process of moving. My new blog is entitled "gasoline rainbows" (http://gasoline-rainbows.blogspot.com/).

I think "Bri in Bangladesh" was about the big things that test us, "gasoline rainbows" will continue exploring the small things that change us.

I know quite a few of you have been reading my journey thus far, I hope you'll follow me on.

---
On one more strange note, the number 2 has been following me today. This is my 202nd post on this blog, on the 20th of the 2nd month where I wait out the last few days of being 22.

when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire...

The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still be weaving that same blanket. Nobody'd be different. They only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that, exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletinger. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way - I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it."

- JD Salinger, "The Catcher in the Rye"

gonna shine up my boots gonna go into town, gonna scrape up $20, gonna throw it around...

Things to cross my mind today...

I think Barack Obama would make an excellent president and I hope he is elected. American politics are so incredibly exciting right now. His "Yes We Can" speech sounds to me like our generation's "I Have A Dream". And though its not my country he's running for, it is amazing to think I am living in this moment in history.

I love baking and cooking. Those of you who have lived with me may not believe this but maybe its because I tend to eat 98% of anything great that I make before you ever even see it. In another life, knowing what I know now, I think I would have liked to go to culinary school. That being said, I'm a little unimpressed with the banana maple muffins I made today, so beth, you might just get some of those when you get home.

I'm not sure I'll never make it as the kind of photographer I'm hoping to be, but I'm pretty sure I'll one day make it as some kind of photographer.

I can't wait until spring comes and I can plant flowers and vegetables along the side of the house. One of my favorite things to do in life is to have my hands in soil and work in the dirt.

I need to quit eating these mediocre banana muffins or they will make me sick.

ROUND TWO...

On a walk around the farm today I came across these old greenhouses that were full of snow and pigeons and stuff stored away that was long forgotten. It made me remember how much I love old buildings. Not necessarily those historic brick ones (although I like them too) but the ones that have been abandoned and are left to weather the elements as they slowly dissolve back into the soil and wind and rain. I can spend hours wandering around old deserted farm yards back at home. There is something so compelling to me in combing through the places that once saw so much life.

I also spent some time talking with Cait tonight. We haven't talked in quite a while and since she doesn't have internet at home, our emailing has significantly dropped off. At first when she asked what was new, I didn't know what to say. Really, there was a lot "new" in my life since we last talked, but I didn't really know what to say. Eventually though, we got going and I love the way we can talk about nothing and everything all at the same time. I think thats what distinguishes friends you love now from the friends you will love your whole life. When you can spend an hour talking about nothing in particular and though you maybe don't know what specifically is going on in their lives, you know you're still on the same page. I love that. I also love that I know many of my "now" friends will become those "life" friends. It makes my heart calm to know that in a way, the amazing people I have surrounded myself with at this point in my life, will never really leave. I like that a lot.

Finally, after 22 years of despising lettuce as the world's worst vegetable (thats not true actually. I think I had that in Bangladesh, I just don't know what it was called) I have come around to it. Therefore, I christen this year (exactly one week before I turn 23) the year of lettuce as a symbolic representation of taking chances on things I had previously scorned. Not sure what that means yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.


...more to come as the day goes on...maybe.

where do you go with your broken heart in tow...

I came within inches of jumping in my car, driving down and surprising my sister and her family today, but in the end I stood outside my car, bags already in the back, keys in hand, and decided that I should stay for a number of reasons I just couldn't get out of my head. I'm disappointed I'm not there, but I've done some things today that made me feel better (well, not really feel better about not being there) but at least made me forget it for a while.

I woke up this morning with a quote in my head. I heard it years ago and love it, but for some reason this morning, it was just under the surface of every thought.

"I said in my heart, 'I am sick of four walls and a ceiling. I have need of the sky, I have business with the grass; I will up and get me away where the hawk is wheeling lone and high, And the slow clouds go by. I will get me away to the waters that glass the clouds as they pass. I will get me away to the woods." - Richard Hovey

So when I had decided that "getting me away to the woods" wouldn't mean taking off to the south for a few days, I put on my hiking shoes and struck out across the farm. I had never explored the second half of the farm and so I walked the width of it and then jumped the fence into the river valley woods. Edmonton's river valley is about 21 times larger that NYC's central park and I feel like I've seen very little of it. There are some great walking and bike paths but today I didn't feel like running into anyone on the trail. For a while I followed some snowshoe tracks until I came to an old, fenced off footbridge. I follows its support pillars down to the river bed where I wove in and out of mud, snow, trees and bushes. There was these two tiny little birds that followed me for about 30 minutes. Flitting from branch to branch ahead of me as if to show me the way. I've never thought of birds as being curious creatures, but these two seemed to really enjoy the entertainment of my plodding through their space. I followed the river (vaguely) until I ended up near Fort Edmonton and could hear the whizzing of cars along Fox Drive. I then made my way into Whitemud Park where there were about 50 kids tobogganing down the hill and I tried to watch them without looking creepy as I climbed the 100 steps to the top of the valley. When I made it all the way up, I realized the trail ran right along the road and, feeling the need to disconnect with the world of pavement and people, I plunged back down the hill towards the river again. Before I knew it, I had lost any trace of tracks or human activity. Eventually I came to a point where I had to climb up the face of this steep hill or turn back. By this time though, it would have been just as difficult to climb as it would have been to go back the way I'd come, so I strapped my camera to me as securely as I could and started up. For the next 45 minutes, I hugged that hill as closely as I could while I tried to find footholds in the knee deep snow. When I reached the halfway point I looked back down and realized that it had been much steeper than I had first imagined, but eventually I made it to the top where I leaned my back against the trees, panting and sweating with mud and snow all over my hands and face. And as I stood there catching my breath, I thought about how alive I felt and how much I love that moment where beauty and the supernatural and self awareness all collide.

I don't know exactly where I am going with this. Probably into the territory of indescribable, inarticulated experience, so I will stop here and simply say I intend to seek out that moment more often and hang on to it with everything I have inside me.

her violet sky will need to cry...

Out of God's Hat
-Hafiz

The stars got poured into the sky
Out of a Magician's hat last night,
And all of them have fallen into my hair.
Some have even tangled my eyelashes
Into luminous, playful knots.

Wayfarer,
You are welcome to cut a radiant tress
That lays upon my shoulders.
Wrap it around your trembling heat and body
That craves divine comfort and warmth.

I am like a pitcher of milk
In the hands of a mother who loves you.

All of my contents now
Have been churned into dancing suns and moons.

Lean your sweet neck and mouth
Out of that dark nest where you hide,
I will pour effulgence into your mind.

Come spring
You can find me rolling in fields
That are exploding in
Holy battles

Of scents, of sounds - everything is
A brilliant colored nova on a stem.

Forest animals hear me laughing
And surrender their deepest instincts and fears,
They come charging into meadows
To lick my hands and face,

This makes me so happy,
I become so happy

That my rising wink turns into a magic baton.
When my soft-eyed creatures see that wonderful signal
We all burst into singing

And make strange and primal beautiful sounds!

My only regret in this work then becomes:

That your shyness keeps you from placing
Your starving body against God

And seeing the Beloved become so pleased
With your courage

That His belly begins to rock and rock,
Then more planets get to leap
Onto the welcome mat of existence
All because
Of your precious love.

The Friend has turned my verse into sacred pollen.
When a breeze comes by

Falcons and butterflies
And playful gangs of young angels
Mounted on emerald spears

Take flight from me like a great sandstorm
That can blind you to all but the Truth!

Dear one,
Even if you have no net to catch Venus

My music
Will circle this earth for hundreds of years
And fall like resplendent debris,
Holy seed, onto a fertile woman.

For Hafiz
Wants to help you laugh at your every
Desire.

Hafiz
Wants you to know

Your life within God's arms,
Your dance within God's
Arms

Is already

Perfect!

how can you stay outside, there's a beautiful mess inside...

I had my first shift at work last night. I liked it and think once I get a few days under my belt, I'll be pretty happy there and good at what I do, but at the same time it sort of felt like I was starting another job that wasn't quite "me". I'm not sure I know exactly what it is I mean by that. I liked the people I'll be working with and everything, but at the same time, I didn't really feel like I connected with them. I know its only been one shift, but its one of those things that you can kind of just sense. I will get along with them and I'm sure we will all share some fun experiences and learn to be friends, but there isn't that something more. When I told Beth this, she said that maybe when I someday find a place that I really want to stay in, I'll also find more people who I connect with, who are like me, who think about things the same way I do. Thinking about that afterwards, I felt a lot more comfortable with settling into this new job...for a little while at least...because there is so much more just around the corner and before I know it, I will need to know and use the things I learn here to move me through the next step. And I'm so glad I have surrounded myself with people in my life who remind me of that. On that note, I want to finish this post with two things. The first one is from and email Karen sent me this week in response to me venting about my uncertainties. (Karen, I hope you don't mind me splashing your words across this page)

"This job is an excellent opportunity for this time in your life. And there will be times when working in the dirt will be suitable for your life. I know it sounds hokey, but there is something to be said about accepting ‘where you’re at’ and making the most of it and having faith that that is where you are supposed to be. I think you made a great choice, Bri Vos"


Also, somewhat unrelated but serving as the soundtrack to my mind today: "Far Far" by Yael Naim:

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how an you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
beautiful mess inside

oh beautiful, beautiful

far far there's this little girl
she was praying for something big to happen to her
every night she ears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs
"oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it yourselves"

i guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

so shake it yourself now deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside

Please don't let me down this time, I've come a long way to just fold back into line...

I was talking to a friend tonight about difficult past experiences and she said "If that was what it took, if that is what I had to go through to get to this point...I'd do it all again." I spent some time thinking about that and I decided that there is nothing else I'd rather be able to say 20 years from now than, "if all that was what I had to go through to get to this point, I'd do it all again". My friend Jamie said to me lately that she needs a certain amount of shit to go along with the good in order to really feel alive. I totally agree. I've come to the conclusion that much of the time, things are defined by what they are not. Order is defined by chaos, light defined by dark, peace defined by unrest and in the same way, beauty is defined tragedy. Everything is relative to everything and everyone else and everything has balance. And in 20 years, if I can say, that I would go through all of that life defining "shit" all over again if it meant getting to the place that I am at...I will have achieved more than I have ever imagined.

a long, long, long, long time ago...

I spent almost this entire day convinced that it was Friday. It wasn't until about 3pm that I was finally told that it was actually Thursday. So I decided to make a list of what I am going to do tomorrow with this free day. Mailing letters, washing my car, eating a buffalo chicken Ceasar salad, maybe baking some banana chocolate cake...who knows what tomorrow will hold.

some things you do for money, some things you do for love...

I am happy to report that after a month of ridiculous job searching, I have finally become employed at a place that I think will suit me well...at least for a while (I refuse to plan my life more than 3 months in advance). I am the newest bartender at The Derrick Golf and Winter Club. It is the most exclusive and ridiculously fancy club in Edmonton. It costs a fortune to be a member and I'm hoping some of that fortune trickles down to me. It also takes a beautiful 7 minutes for me to drive from my house to the club where there is free parking for staff. Excellent.

In other news I am headed back to Blue Fish studio this afternoon. Yesterday was my first day of "working" there and though it was kind of an "all over the place" day, I think I can say with confidence that it was a positive experience. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

I am also going to The Mustard Seed tonight to help serve the evening meal because they had a shortage of people. I've been there before twice, but that was years ago and I was in an entirely different mind frame. I know Jamie loves that place so much, but I am a little nervous. There are some jobs that I just know I couldn't do. Like working with kids with disabilities or being a nurse in the maternity ward and I kind of feel like I could really love the Mustard Seed or I could be terribly frightened by it. I think maybe thats why I've stayed away from it despite many of my friends working there and loving it.


I have also decided that I want to become involved with the community league here. I think I will start by going to the winter festival held at the community centre this weekend.

I leave you with the Mountain Goats until next time...

"Going to Reykjavik"

i been drinking that coffee you sent me from thailand
i've been watching the lamps burn
i've been listening to the wind chime
i've been waiting my turn

and i'm coming to you
i am coming to you
i am coming to you

and i heated the milk until it boiled
and i drank it down
and i stepped outside
and i checked my reflection in the rain
there were voices on the wind
winter coming on in
and i made myself up again, brand new

and i am broken and i am tired
and i'm coming to you

Anything to make you smile...

As another week of lots of job searching and not a lot of working passes, I have decided to dedicate this blog to the merits of the peanut butter and jam sandwich.

First of all, my roommate and I uncovered a large jar of natural peanut butter in one of our cupboards about a week ago. The problem with natural peanut butter is that when its been sitting for as long as this one has, it tends to separate. Big time. To the point that it can't even be stirred. Well, Beth had a brainwave idea to lay it on its side and roll it every few hours. Now, a week later, its pretty much completely mixed. brilliant.

So I've taken to eating a few peanut butter and jam sandwiches a day for the following reasons.

#1: Its quick but doesn't give that fast/processed food feel

#2: Between the bread and the peanut butter, you feel pretty full, or at least like you've put something in your stomach

#3: The jam (my mom's homemade tri-berry at the moment), fulfills all those sweet cravings but the peanut butter cuts it just enough that it still feels substantial.

#4: Really high nutritional value...altogether it's an excellent source of protein, vitamins B,C and E, and fiber. As well as containing magnesium, manganese, niacin, iron and antioxidants. (yes, I've done my research)

#5: its cheap. A mysteriously free incredibly large volume of peanut butter, mom's jam and run of the mill whole wheat bread. All it all, a couple of cents a sandwich.

and...

#6: Once you have the perfect ratio of pb to j, it can be incredibly tasty. And let me tell you, I have the PERFECT ratio.

remix to ignition...

Friday night at the Farmhouse:

9:20pm watching a movie...breaking for a snack.


beth: "Oh! we should have that "gypsy love" tea....oh wait, its caffinated. OH! never mind its Friday night! Partaaay!"

young soul in a very strange world...

I watched part of Mary Poppins tonight by mistake. We set out to watch Jerry Maguire, but inside was definitely NOT Jerry Maguire. However, I did come away with this gem...

"A chimney sweep's world is between the pavement and the stars"

somewhere to fall apart...

I have been dying to get outside to take some photos. Lately I just can't come up with anything new or interesting to shoot inside. The catch is that this week's average temperature has been hovering around -40C. Not good for the camera and definitely not good for me. I woke up this morning longing to go out and shoot, and though the temperature is only -27C today because it's snowing, I'm still not going to get any substantial time outside to shoot. So I took a look at the 15-day accuweather forecast which told me not to expect anything much warmer in the next two weeks. Tomorrow is my key day. Before the wind starts up in the late afternoon, we might make it to -15. I'm going to grasp it with both hands, seems how it will dip back between -28 and -42C for the following 13 days.
The best part of this kind of weather is the way in which everyone becomes friends. You see someone stuck in a snowdrift on the side of the street and you get out to help them. You walk into a store and find everyone chatty and friendly because you have all braved the conditions together to make it to buy bread in one piece so of course you will chat about the price of bananas with a 42 year old mother of 3. Everyone is invigorated with the ridiculousness of surviving in this weather and with that comes the need for community, for shared experience.

The cold equalizes.