Si pudiera ser tu heroe...

I watched a documentary last night on CBC, called "Run For Your Life". A journalist and camera crew are following a group of Honduran men who have left their towns and families to illegally make the way to the north in search of money to send back home. I know you hear about these things happening often and all, but this, this was something else for me. In 2005 I spent a month in a rural Honduran village. Pretty much everyone between the age of 16-30 were gone from the village - all of them made this trip to the north. While I was there, I got to be really close with two of the girls in the village - karla and jessenia - and the day before I left, jessenia's older sister (16 at the time) climbed into a truck with 15 young people from other villages and began the journey north. Watching this documentary, I just couldn't help thinking that Karla and Jessenia are going to be the same age as all these people who are running north. Its one thing to sort of know what they have to go through before the make it to the american border, but its something else to watch these guys climb on trains and run from gangs and police and live on nothing, all in the hope of something better.

I often think about getting back there. I wonder what i would find if I walked into that village again. Karla and Jessenia are both turning 16 this year. And last night, watching the documentary, I couldn't help but scan the faces of the other people on these trains, even though I know the years for filming it are probably way off with the ages of the girls, I still couldn't help looking to see if maybe I recognized one of them.


http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/runforyourlife/

Moods that take me and erase me...

I find myself doing things or wanting to do things that I believe most other people would find....crazy or start to think I was a little unhinged.

There is a bit of a snow storm today and the wind is whipping the trees and snow and drifts around the yard and I have stood at my bedroom window staring out at it for a while this morning while I listened to the soundtrack from "Once. All of a sudden though, it wasn't enough for me to look at it. I needed to smell the storm and hear it and feel it and so I ripped open my window and let it hit me full in the face. I then opened my other window, the one without a screen and let the wind send snowflakes swirling through my room. They were cold and wild and lost as they melted against my skin and clung to my t-shirt. And I closed my eyes and listened to the music as I breathed in the storm.

There is nothing more powerful to me than wind and music and when they come together, I lose myself in them. Maybe that isn't the best choice of words...I think its more of a finding myself in something larger. But not simply as a piece of the puzzle, but impossibly dissolved into the bigger picture, permeating the whole.



My favourite quote for this week comes from the movie "Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium". Natalie Portman says "And now we wait." and Dustin Hoffman looks at her and says,

"No! We breathe, we pulse, we regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty seconds well used, is a lifetime!"

when i'm not myself...

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anais Nin

Can't you see it's in me, can't you see...

I saw a few people last night that I haven't visited with in years. Its a bit strange and entertaining to see what it is exactly that they expect from you. I always find that I notice how much I've changed when I end up in a situation like this. When I talk with someone who hasn't been part of my life for a couple of years, its amazing to see all the ways I have changed and transformed and where I've come from. I was thinking about this this morning while I was organizing some of my books and I thought about how long it has been since I read some of them. Some of them I loved, some of them I own because I had to buy them for a class, but most of them have been sitting on my shelf since I read them once or twice a few years ago. I've decided to make a list to reread some of them and see what I think of them now that I am coming from a different place, thinking differently and seeing things in different ways. This list both encompasses those books I loved the first time around and those I connected with but didn't necessarily understand the first time through.

- A Complicated Kindness, Miriam Towes
- Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Wolfe
- Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
- Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhys
- The Diviners, Margaret Laurence
- Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
- Middlemarch, George Elliot
- Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller
- Sons and Lovers, DH Lawrence
- Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy
- The Color Purple, Alice Walker
- The Alchemist, Paulo Coehlo
- Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood
- A Happy Death, Albert Camus
- The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

I'm excited to see whether I love them more, understand them better or just simply think about them differently. I will start today.

let me take you down, 'cause i'm going to strawberry fields...

I learned a few things tonight:

Heath Ledger is dead at the age of 28. No one seems to know why, although rumours are flying.

Sir Edmund Hillary has also past. I watched part of the funeral on the news tonight and was impressed that Tenzing Norgay's son was asked to speak along with Hillary's son and the Prime Minister of New Zealand.

Edmonton isn't really good at any kind of hockey this year...hm, that might get me beat up.

Sometimes its an offhand chance that makes all the difference.

Lots of people try to devote all their time and energy to things that they will forget 10 years from now, or even worse, remember it and live in the past for the rest of their lives.

A couple 1000 dollars at age 22 seems like the end of the world, but in the scope of real life, it is simply building experience and responsibility. Though, I'm still not sure I want any more of either at the moment.

between the bars...

Job searching is one of my least favorite things to do in life. It just always remindes me that I don't like working. Well, at least not for someone else on an hourly wage. Mostly I hate job searching because you spend 1.5 hours on looking just right for the first impression, and the whole of the interview only takes 15 or less minutes. And most of that time is spent with the interviewer trying to judge whether you're good enough for them. And either they decide that yes, with a lot of work, you might be able to work out, or they tell you you're not good enough. Either way, it often feels like they're trying to justify why you're taking time out of their day to make them judge you....which only makes me wonder why exactly I am doing it too. And then I look at my bank account.

I think I could be really good at being independently wealthy.

mother mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom...

I am listening to a copy of my incredibly talented friend, Darcel's debut concert. It was at the university a few years ago. I found it on my roommate's iPod this afternoon and that night came back to me so clearly. I sat at the ticket table near the entrance and when the concert started, I flipped my chair around and leaned it back against the table to listen with my eyes shut. I have only heard her sing once since then. Its moments like these, when I just want to go run and tell her that I KNOW what she needs to do with her life. She needs to go pursue her music because she is incredible and wonderful and has so much support. But I think she knows this, and yet, last I heard, she's still working 9-5 jobs, singing here and there less often than she should.
And as I thought about this, I laughed because, though I'm not any where Darcel's musical equivalent in photography, there have been moments, more and more frequently, that I am shooting something or working with photos or looking at photos and I think, THIS is what I want to do for the rest of my life. And still, this week finds me handing out resumes to work service jobs...which I enjoy, but maybe not for the rest of my life. I remember the first time I went from thinking that I had fun with photography to thinking that it was a part of me. I was borrowing a friend's camera as I didn't even have an SLR yet, to shoot a battle of the bands concert at the University. It was just for fun, but about the middle of the concert, I realized that when I held that camera up to my eye and saw things through its perspective, I became so focused. Everything became so much more intense - the colors, the sound the movement - and I felt like I was more alert and completely alive than I had ever been.

I can't think of a better reason to do this for the rest of my life.

However, I'm also realizing that this doesn't mean I can't have a good time serving beer and baked brie sandwiches until the rest of my life begins.

lightning running through my veins...

favorite random moment from tonight...

Jamie saying "You know when you die and your life flashes before your eyes, this is one of those days that you don't really see".

I want so much to open your eyes...

Sometimes I can't sleep. Not because I'm stressed out or because I hit a second wind. I just can't sleep. Tonight is one of those nights. Its past one in the morning, but I'm laying in my bed with my computer on my stomach watching old Scrubs episodes while I read poetry and look at photos. There is something very eerie about sitting in a dark room with only computer screen light. My skin looks strange and my hands look large.

Earlier tonight I cleaned off the window frames I pulled from the yard my grandma grew up on and hung them on my wall beside my torn blue jeans and straw hat. I like having that kind of history on my wall. Especially when it is so connected to my own. I wonder what those windows have seen. Weathered from hot southern alberta summers and wind, they must have also seen winters packed with snow. In my own 22 years, I've seen winters where the snow in the ditches was so deep and thick you could fall in over your head. But now, I'm more worried about getting snow over the top of my running shoes. Yes, since my grandma was born behind those windows, she has seen the world change dramatically: cultural revolutions, world wars, unbelievable information/communication advances, space exploration. And I've always wondered what I would be witness to. By the time I'm her age, will people be living on the moon? Will all the 1960's science fiction be reality? But while I was home this Christmas, it came to me. I think what I will be witness to, will be much closer to home than the Jetsons. I know I will be witness to the most drastic changes in the environment our world has ever seen. Already I've witnessed longer, hotter growing seasons and dryer winters. I think that all the advancements in technology and luxury that have so far removed us from our environment will crumble as our environment grows more and more aggressive in demanding our attention. I think that's a big part of my desire to travel. I'm afraid that one day, I will be telling the next generation about when there were rainforests and when you could grow crops in southern alberta and play hockey on the ice in the ditches in winter and when ice picks were needed to climb in the Himalayas. I want to experience it before its gone so that if we wait too long to take global action to preserve our environment and allow it to be irreversibly changed/damaged, I will have seen it, experienced it, photographed it, written about it and in some small way it will be able to live on through me.

"Acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, than precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honour them is to do great harm" - Marilynne Robinson

Thats what I think about when I look at these window frames above my bed when i cannot sleep.

water pulls so strong, no one is around...

This blog will be constructed in parts...

Part One:

I'm not sure I'm a very thoughtful person. Not in the way that I'm not caring about others, but in the way that I think about things a lot. I have friends who think about things/issues/ideas so thoroughly and passionately that every aspect of their life is effected by it. Jamie is my quintessential example of this. I have never met anyone who thinks about things as deeply and intensely as she does. That is why I like reading her blog. Well, and because I like her. Today though, she was talking about a guy at the Mustard Seed - Paul. She said: "Most of the time I think he's talking shit, but that sometimes I choose to believe him, simply because it's more fun." I liked that. I think i need to learn to do that more often. Why do we always have to destroy other people's sense of reality in pursuit of the sharp edged truth? There are moments when it is more important to look at someone and simply choose to believe them because it is more fun for everyone involved.


Part Two:

I watched two different movies this week that struck me as being very similar. First I watched Kingdom of Heaven and a day later, watched Charlie Wilson's War. Sometimes, you really just have to respect Hollywood. Yes, I just said that. I think its one thing for celebrities to stand up and support a cause, but often the media just gives it a cursory nod and everyone forgets about it. But when big name actors/actresses chose to play roles in movies that deal with current issues so blatantly, their point becomes so well illustrated. Kingdom of Heaven, which came out a few years ago, was so well timed because to the language used to validate the War in Iraq at the time. Bush's propagating the war as a Christian nation's struggle against "infidels" was put into the context of the crusades and shown for the destructive, violent approach it was. My favorite moment in this movie is when Orland Bloom stands up and gives a speech just before the battle for Jerusalem begins. He says,

"It has fallen to us, to defend Jerusalem, and we have made our preparations as well as they can be made. None of us took this city from Muslims. No Muslim of the great army now coming against us was born when this city was lost. We fight over an offense we did not give, against those who were not alive to be offended. What is Jerusalem? Your holy places lie over the Jewish temple that the Romans pulled down. The Muslim places of worship lie over yours. Which is more holy?"

Thats not even touching the issues that plague Jerusalem today.

Anyways, on to Charlie Wilson's War. I have a few favorite moments in this movie. The first was when Tom Hanks visits the Afghan refugee camps in Pakistan. I sat there watching, wondering where they got all those extras. And then the thought came to me that they really wouldn't have needed to. I'm sure today more Afghans are crossing the border into Pakistan to outrun the violence in their own country. Try to name a country in Africa that is not directly effected by the movement of massive numbers of refugees. What about South East Asia? The scene in Charlie Wilson's War is stunning because it is reality today.

Also, I think this movie ends with a clear and unapologetic message. Having being granted 100 times the approved budget for his covert war on the Soviets, Congressman Wilson can not even get a 1 million dollar school rebuilding project approved after they achieve victory. The other board members tell him that no one cares about some Afghan school. Their decision instead is to simply pull out of this country they've messed up without any plans for funds to rebuild it and this leaves off Wilson saying:

"These things happened. They were glorious and they changed the world... and then we fucked up the endgame."

Its not too hard to draw the obvious line between mistakes made in the past to the current situation in Afghanistan. Like I said, sometimes, you've just got to respect Hollywood.

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine and ten...

This morning, after 17 days of traveling around for the holidays, I woke up in my room in Edmonton. It is the first time in two weeks that I woke up without feeling sick. And despite the fact that it is 20 degrees colder this morning than the +7 I woke up to on Friday at the farm, it feels good to be in my own space again.

And mom, I know you're reading this, and this is not saying I didn't enjoy my time at home because I did and its always good to be back on the farm and in that southern alberta wind that I love so much.

However, even though I have very little groceries, lots of unpacking, little money and lots of job hunting to deal with, it feels good to sleep in my bed on the floor and wake up under my still living Christmas tree.

deep sea eyes, porcelain skin, love's sweetness and then boxing rings, It's late night heading into morning...

It is 44 minutes into 2008 as I write this and I am thinking about the past few days. Mostly, strangely enough, I am thinking about Canada and how much I love this country. I have just returned from a trip to Vancouver Island and in the past few days I have experienced some moments of incredible, intense beauty. I can't put them into logical order, so I will list them instead...

Flying over the Rocky Mountains and remembering how stunning they are.

Standing alone outside in the wind during a wedding dance listening to Fix You by Coldplay. My giant hood on with strands of my hair flying in front of my face, being tugged at by a winter storm on the ocean.

Reading Hafiz poetry

Photographing the inner harbour in Victoria all lit up at night, the rain just misting down around me with friends I have not seen in a long while.

Watching a poorly directed chickflick movie and making a late night burger run with my oldest sister.

Watching seagulls follow the ferry, catching chips in mid-air and diving into the boat's wake to pull snacks from the water.

Skidding across black ice in my runners on a street in Victoria in the early morning hours.

The marriage of two good friends.

Peeling and sharing a Christmas orange with my nephew while reading a good book.

Driving south in Alberta, seeing flat prairie fields, coulees, foothills and mountains all at once out my passenger window.