leaving nothing else to chance again...

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church -
I keep it, staying at Home -
With a Bobolink for a Chorister -
And an Orchard, for a Dome -

Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice -
I just wear my Wings -
And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,
Our little Sexton - sings.

God preaches, a noted Clergyman -
And the sermon is never long,
So instead of getting to Heaven, at last -
I'm going, all along.

- Emily Dickinson

slow dancing in a burning room...

its getting earlier and earlier, that moment when my kitchen and living room erupt in a blaze of setting sun light. Two weeks ago, it was as I settled down after supper, last week it was as I was eating and now I barely make it home from work in time to see it. I can't wait until daylight savings when I can catch it again in that extra hour. I didn't go in to work today under the pretense that: #1. it was saturday and i shouldn't have to work every weekend and #2. i had a lot of other work to get done before next weekend. and its true, i did have a lot to do and i shouldn't have to work every weekend, but really, when i woke up this morning, looked at my clock and made the decision to stay home, I was thinking about this moment. When I can sit at my kitchen table with that strong, beautiful sunlight on my back before it runs its way across the row of trees out my back door and sets to some other place in the world. I will miss it come wintertime.

nothing is like it seems turn my grief to grace...

I'm going to a Tibetan craft sale today and I've been trying my hardest not to put too much pressure on it because I have to be realistic and know that it will not be the same as spending an afternoon with Tibetan refugees on the shores of Lake Phewa Tal in Nepal.
A year ago tomorrow, I got on a plane to Bangladesh, not having any idea what I was going to do, where i was going to live, how it would all turn out. And thinking back on it now, it seems like a lifetime has happened between then and now. I have seen some of the most beautiful places in the world and in the same breath, have been confronted by the most difficult, poverty and disease stricken places in the world. But it's not just about where I've been. What I've seen and experienced has deeply effected me over the past 12 months. I have have been surprised and delighted in the resilience of my spirit and in the power my mind has to notice and appreciate beauty, but I also have been to some of the darkest places i ever feared existed inside of me. When I think about it, this past year has been such a journey both around the world and inside myself, but it is only the beginning. I feel like I have spent so many years waiting in the airport for my journey to begin. Waiting as my foundations and character have been building. Waiting for the right moment to walk through the gate, and somewhere along the way this past year, without even really realizing it, I have already moved beyond the first leg of my journey. I can only sit here and wonder now about what I will have to say a year from today. What I will have experienced, how I will have transformed and changed.
I am full of anticipation.

And the ground is removed underneath...

“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”

-Bob Marley

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul...

Today I was in second cup, as per usual, and i noticed they put out their fall drink specials. Which kind of made me laugh. I mean, i know it is only a few days into september, but I feel as though it has been fall for a while now. Each day I wake up for work, the sky is darker and at the end of this last week, I still felt the chill of night as I walked down my front steps.
What really gets me though, is the changing colors. Well, edmonton isn't really known to be the most colorful fall city. Its no Ottawa or Halifax, but I've been cutting grass in the same places every week for the past 5 months and I've been watching it happen. The bushes turning from lush spring neon to deep rich summer green to the yellows and reds and oranges that are coming out now. Whatever else this job has been, it has been good for me to watch this season. Last year this time, life was moving so fast for me I hardly noticed any of this at all. But this time around, I've almost been forced to. Forced to slow down. Confronted with the signs of the season changing all day long. I feel like I've become a part of this change around me. I feel it inside me. Slowing down, thinking, listening, prioritizing. I am making a study of myself. What I want to know about me. What I want to uncover, what i want to keep hidden. I feel as though I'm not moving into a new phase of my life, but rather, my body is simply catching to where my mind and soul have been for some time now.

will i do any of these things, the answer is probably no...

I woke up and saw that it is -5 degrees right now. And yet, saturday is supposed to be +23 again. How is this possible? I am so cold. And it is only September 13th.

i know you've come to take my toys away...

This blog post is for karen...who recently confessed to me how many times she checks my blog for something new. So here is something new.

While I was moving last week, I received these fantastic wine crates from my friend Dawn. They are beautiful and cedar and the perfect shelving for me. They now house my books, my mom's canning, my videos and cds, photos of my friends who are far from me right now, a 100 year old flask and a clay plate. There is still room for so much more. I wonder, as I sit in my new room in the glorious morning sunshine, what I will experience here. What I will cry about, laugh over, be witness to, get angry about, fall in love with, while I live in this room, in this house? There is so much potential I don't know what to do with it. And when I wake up in the morning -even though I may be going to the same job, in the same familiar clothes, talking with the same people- I can't help but think about how this day is brand new. It's nice to be reminded of that. Not just to know that something new could be around the corner, but to wake up and feel that potential as an energy inside you. As a newness about yourself.

I like living here,

that's all.

its the way you love me baby..

I saw Faith Hill perform on the Ellen show tonight. I thought my love had wained over these past few years, but has not.

sitting silent wearing sunday best...

I am watching as a noisy flock of Canada Geese land in the field across the gravel road behind my new house.
The sun is falling behind a row of beautiful trees. The kind of trees that look as beautiful when they explode green as they do in when they when they turn yellow as they do with snow on their bare branches.
I'm sitting on the steps beside the hammock, under the tree that holds two birdhouses.
While I drink my tea, Badly Drawn Boy is playing inside the house. I like their music a lot and I think that Cait would too. I will try and send her a cd of them in the near future.
A pencil is holding my spot in a new book that I'm reading. It is excellent so far. The kind of excellent that makes you want to read it very slowly so that you don't finish too quickly.
I want to light the lanterns in the backyard tonight and have a fire. Maybe I will.
I hear Bethany coming around the corner so I will leave off here to talk with my new roommate about her weekend in the mountains.