she said she loved me but she had somewhere to go...

Lately I've been looking into sending in submissions to different travel magazines. For years now, just under a dusting of paperwork on my desk, a copy the writer/photographer guidelines for submissions to National Geographic Traveler has taunted me. Arlette, who found and copied them for me, continues to encourage me to put something together for them. I have yet to bring myself to do it, despite the fact that I think on it often. Its not laziness, I like doing writing and photography better than pretty much anything else in life. Its not a fear or rejection. I'm not deluding myself, I know that it takes numerous submissions before one even gets looked at critically. I know I will be turned down over and over again and working through that wouldn't be all that bad. And yet, I still can't put my thoughts to paper. I can't choose the portfolio to submit. I thought maybe I was trying to jump too far, too fast. National Geographic is my dream. It is the pinnacle of my goals and aspirations. What if I submit and, worse than getting a letter of rejection, I get ignored? What if I submit and by some strange miracle, get accepted relatively early? I'm not sure I could handle either of those two options. If I got ignored, it would probably stop me from ever submitting again. If I got accepted, how could I comprehend that and how, if I was asked to do more work for them, would I be able to assure them the same quality of work?
I started to think that maybe I should aim a little lower to begin. So today I spent an hour in Chapters, pulling out all manner of travel magazines jotting down websites and photo editors names and e-mail addresses. I rejected magazines on either side of the spectrum. I couldn't see myself reviewing 5 star hotels for the rest of my life for "Life of Luxury" and I'm not the kind of hardcore extreme hiker/climber/snowboarder/scuba diver that Adventure Travel Mag is looking for either. I came across quite a few interesting options though and now that I've researched them back at home, I sit here immobile again. I have seven websites in front of me with detailed submission guidelines for photography and writing for excellent, interesting travel magazines and I still can't take the next step. I don't know what to do. If I submitted to these magazines and got ignored, I think that might be it for my attempts in the travel magazine world. If I submitted and got rejected, I might get lazy and convince myself that I didn't really want to work for them anyways. If I submitted to them and got accepted, I might be content with their publication and never make a run at National Geographic. None of this helps me.

Some days I believe I am going to be pretty good at a lot of things and never great at just one thing. I will be a good writer and photographer and landscaper and teacher and waitress and whatever else is in my future, but I will never be world renowned for any of these qualities. I will never be the expert in any one area. I have friends who I firmly believe will be KNOWN. People who will be talked about and of whom I can say "Yeah, I know them. We're friends." and people will look at me in astonishment. I will not be one of those people and I am content with that.
Sometimes though, I will be walking down the street and for a moment, for a tiny glimmer, I feel the most intense potential and I feel as though, if I really pursued it, things like National Geographic are within my reach.

I read a quote from Angelia Jolie this week and it struck me as interesting...

"If you ask people what they've always wanted to do, most people haven't done it. That breaks my heart."

It makes me wonder if we (as a collective race) settle for what we don't really want to do or if we choose things that are beyond our grasp so we never have to think about what to do once we've achieved them.