I finally found a way to charge Romero so now I can have more distractions from my own mind, or perhaps its just another space for me to vent those musings of my mind. Anne Lamott says a few things about listening to your mind that I’ve filed away because they are so utterly appropriate – for me at least.
My mind is my main problem almost all the time. I wish I could leave it in the fridge when I go out, but it likes to come with me. I have tried to get it to take up a nice hobby, like macramé, but it prefers to think about things, and jot down what annoys it. (from Plan B: further thoughts on faith p.259)
Left to its own devices, my mind spends much of its time having conversations with people who aren’t there. I walk alone defending myself to people, or exchanging repartee with them , or rationalizing my behavior, or seducing them with gossip, or pretending I’m on their TV talk show or whatever. (from Bird by Bird, p.26)
And here I am again…left alone with my mind. It is a dangerous thing indeed. Don’t get me wrong, I often love solitude and rest in the time I have with myself, but to quote a line from my favorite Chronicle editorial ever (thank you Bethany Benoit) this is Unsolicited Solitude. And though there are many great things to be gained from being alone and quiet, the major problem for me – and in my opinion, the scariest part – is that you have to spend all this time with yourself. The past two days I have awakened hopeful that the day will bring me either out to Jamalpur to start my work, or back to Dhaka to eat chocolate with Alana. And then I get that call, and I hang up and think…dear god, I am going to have to spend all day with me!
Looking at these thoughts, I can’t decide whether this dissociation of self is mental illness or creativity and imagination (maybe those of you currently in Hales’ Search for the Self can answer that one for me!) Anyway, I refuse to delve very deeply into this other than to say that if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my English degree, it is that the two are not often mutually exclusive. And perhaps if I were a true artist, I would opt to live in solitary confinement for the rest of my life to nurture my art.
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3 comments:
bri-vo,
i was going to comment a few days ago on how parallel our lives are, but you beat me to it! i can't wait until we get to hang out again, maybe in april, and talk about all this.
i would love to share with you my experiences on my 48-hour solo "quest" in the rocky mountains, that i took part in for training for this program. there were about 12 of us who went on solos at the same time in the forest, and for most of us, our main fears were not of darkness or fierce animals or hunger (we fasted) or inclement weather: our biggest fear was all that time alone with our own minds. interesting. i think we should organize a solo/vision quest for sometime next spring/summer: we would prepare for it as a group, and then all chose our solo sites and go out for a predetermined amount of time, far enough away from each other to definitely make it a "solo" experience, but close enough that help would be available if needed. i was thinking about doing one on my grandparents' farm. let me know if you'd be interested in something like that.
much love,
cayliedawn
I totally understand the interior conversations with other people - glad I'm not the only one.
caylie,
if I can bring my camera or something to write with, or perhaps both...I'm in.
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