Yesterday I canceled my trip to Japan. I then bought myself a large Mexifries from Taco Time, followed by a dozen greasy wings at the neighbourhood pub. Giving myself no time to think, i ran off to the Weakerthans concert (which was fantastic) and then had a 12-hour day of work today. And now I am sitting here sorting through photos and my friend brittany - who is living in Tokyo - sent me a facebook message wondering when i am coming. And I think, for the first time, it really hit me that I am not going. That, in 3 weeks time, instead of boarding a plane to Osaka, I will be sitting at home. waking up to face two weeks of unemployment, boredom and winter. I have a bad cold. And crying only makes it worse, but as I sit here under my covers, listening to The Waifs, I can't help myself. I know that this money from the intended trip will come in handy in the next few months with all my living and planning, but right now, my heart longs to be preparing for a trip to see my friends.
In so many ways I feel like I'm coping out. If I really wanted to go, I would not have canceled. That if I were living life like I want to, I would throw caution to the wind and jump on that plane. I feel like I might just be letting my fear overpower me by not going.
But at the same time, I have so many other possibilities that open up for me in the next year by not going right now. How in the world will I ever balance these priorities when I want to do everything? Which dreams, which plans, which goals will I sacrifice for something else? Will it be worth it? And how in the world do you learn to sort out which decision is the right one when everything has both drawbacks and benefits?
I think I need to go to bed.
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3 comments:
bri, i am sorry you aren't going. i am equally as sorry that i called you today and rambled on for so long about bear spray and my house and the police, and never even asked about the status of your trip. i will call you tomorrow at some point and talk.
~jamie
i wish i could come up with the same great advice that you give me.. but i guess i'm not so inspiring.
but.. you can always visit me if nothing better comes along!!
sometimes it's scarier choice to face what will be there if you cancel the trip than it would be to go on it. i think your fall and winter will still be full of big, wonderful things.
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